Quagmire
by Da Games Elite
Summary: ONE SHOT! Sometimes things just don't make sense. For example, if someone like, say, Rei wakes up and realizes that she's in Usagi's body, only to learn that everyone else is in different bodies, too, and not just her friends. Short and funny nonsense!


CHAPTER 1

Quagmire - a situation from which extrication is very difficult: a quagmire of financial indebtedness.

It goes without say that I do not own Sailor Moon or anything related to it. Of course, you should be able to figure that out just because this is a fanfic. Anyway, let's get on with the show, shall we?

-

Her eyes slowly opened up, and the girl known as Rei Hino's eyes fluttered open. Pushing herself out of bed, she sighed, exhaling slowly as she took in the sunlight filtering through the window to her left. She knew that ahead of her was a new day, a new day that would be filled with enjoying life, taking it on as it came, and—

"Wait, the window isn't on my left," she said, in a voice that didn't sound in the least bit like her own.

She scratched her head, noting that her hair didn't feel quite as silky as her own jet black hair. She felt sweat break out on her forehead before pushing her pink covers (her covers weren't pink either…and they didn't have those bunnies on it either!) to see a little girl laying her head on her lap.

"Chibiusa…?" Rei muttered, again in a tone that certainly was not her own, "Why are you in my bed…?"

Slowly, carefully, she let Chibiusa's head roll off of her lap so that she could get up. It was only then that she saw herself in the mirror standing above the counter of the desk to her side. She took in the image reflected, only to remain silent, unable to make a sound. She pressed her fingers against the soft cheek that belonged, not to Rei, but Usagi.

"There is no way…" Rei mumbled, trying to remain relaxed despite her heart beating an alien pace, "Is this some sort of sick, twisted nightmare?!"

The phone rang. Rei, or maybe it was Usagi, rushed to the phone, and picked it up, her hands shaking, "Hello?"

"Usagi!? Guess what?!"

Wasn't that Seiya's voice? Wasn't Seiya off in the depths of space somewhere, right now, with her Princess? Why would Seiya call Earth, anyway?

"Uh, Seiya?"

"No, it's Minako!"

Okay, this was just plain weird.

"Minako? But this sounds like Seiya."

"I don't know how to explain, but I just woke up, and I was Seiya!"

"You sound excited."

"Of course I am! I mean, I'm inside Seiya's ultra beautiful body! Isn't that exciting?!"

"If you say so."

"I mean, as they say, when life brings you lemons, eat them!"

Rei didn't think even Mina could completely screw up such a simple figure of speech. Sighing, she said, "That's great, but I'm not Usagi!"

"Then who are you?"

"This is Rei! I woke up in Usagi's body!"

"Oh, well, I guess we weren't all so lucky," Mina sighed, "Hey, I'm going to see what I look like naked!"

Rei's eyes widened, "Uh…okay…"

"Wish me luck!"

"With what?"

The phone clicked, the voice dying inside the receiver. She stared at the cold, empty receiver as the seconds passed. So if Hina had a different body, then that might mean that everyone else was body switched. It made her wonder why. Was there some sort of enemy who was doing all of this? Was there some sort of monster they had to fight?

"Wait, this is a little weird…not unwelcome, but weird."

Rei swirled around on her feet as Chibiusa rose to her feet, a snide grin on her face. She was laughing to herself, filled with euphoria. But, even though Rei didn't feel any dark energy coming off of her, Rei knew that, whoever had switched bodies with Chibiusa wasn't necessarily one of her friends.

"Who are you?!" Rei asked, nervously.

"I am Mistress 9!" laughed Chibiusa, "now, get down on your knees and worship me!"

"Wait a second…" Rei stammered, "Aren't you dead?"

"Dead? Ha! I was cast off without a body, but my soul remained in this dimension. So, now that I have received a body of my own, I will destroy all of you!"

"Uh…about that…" Rei mumbled, looking Chibiusa from head to foot, "You kinda aren't in the position to make threats…"

"What?! Just because my body is small doesn't mean I don't have great power that can destroy this entire planet! Hahahaha!!" Coming from such a cute, small body, the threats seemed not only hollow, but almost laughable.

"What are you going to do?" Rei laughed, "You don't even know how to transform into Chibi Moon."

"Well…yes, that's true, but I'll figure it out!" Mistress 9 cackled.

"Not if I stop you!"

Rei jumped on top of Mistress 9/Chibiusa, and kept her hands down against the bed. She couldn't give her a chance to get the better of her! She just couldn't.

The door to her room opened as Usagi's brother, Sango, walked in. "Hey, Usagi, mom says—" He glanced between her and "Chibiusa" before saying, exasperated, "Nothing changes, does it?" He closed the door behind him, and walked down the stairs.

"Man, good thing he wasn't suspicious," Rei sighed.

"I will return to my body! Make no mistake!" Mistress 9 cackled.

"Well, first of all, I think it might be a good idea on how to return to our own bodies first," Rei said.

"What?"

"If you want your original body, you'll need to figure out a way to get our ordinary bodies back," Rei said. But then the phone rang. Rei walked to it, and picked it up, "Hello?"

"Usagi?! Is that you, or is this someone else?!" It sounded like Michiru, but Michiru was never this desperate sounding in her life. Had to be someone else.

"This is actually Rei inside of Usagi. So who is this?"

"What!? You're in my body!?"

"Usagi?"

"What happened this time!?" Usagi began to sob, "I just woke up and saw Haruka sleeping with me, only now it isn't Haruka; it's really Seiya!"

Rei began to crack up, "Seiya in Haruka? Wow, that's not good. How's he taking it?"

"Not well. He's been in the bathroom since he woke up, sobbing. He's considering trying to get to the sleeping pills, but—wait, Hotaru's coming in…wait, what?…Hotaru? Or, whoever you…"

There was a pause on the other line of the phone as Rei heard Usagi scream, at the top of her lungs, "Mamoru!?"

Rei cracked up. So now Mamoru had switched with Mamoru? Rei couldn't believe the irony of it. An image of Usagi and Mamoru, only now as Michiru and Hotaru, trying to make out in the middle of public, only people to scream, "Pedophile!" out in the open until police came to beat up Usagi was priceless!

"Hey, at least you got your boyfriend switched with someone living in the same house as you," Rei said, in between giggles.

"Why? Who was switched with Chibiusa?"

"Well, uh…not one of the Senshi, I'll tell you that much."

"Just tell me!"

"Is that Sailor Moon?" Mistress 9 asked, her expression murderous.

"It's Mistress 9."

"What!? So our enemies and us got our bodies mixed up!? That's not good…"

"Yeah…I know…wait, you're getting another call."

"Answer it! Fast!"

Rei fumbled with the phone for a second before she got a second phone call, but she didn't recognize the voice when it said "Hello." It sounded mature, a little harsh, and, if anything, downright bone chilling.

"Who is this?" Rei asked, nervously.

"It's Ami."

"Ami?"

"Yeah."

"This is Rei."

"Oh, that makes some sense. Then it isn't just me…"

"Who's body did you switch with?"

"That's the somewhat bad thing…" Ami said, her voice slow, if not embarrassed, "This is Nehelenia's body."

Rei couldn't speak. Nehelenia? Alright, now this was just plain weird. Wasn't Nehelenia reverted to some young, innocent form? Why was Ami in Nehelenia's body? "Isn't Nehelenia not here anymore?"

"Exactly," Ami said, "That's why this is so strange."

"Yeah…wait a second, Nehelenia has a phone?"

"Apparently she also gets electric bills, which are surprisingly high, might I add," Ami admitted.

"I want to know what's going on!" Chibiusa, or was it Mistress 9, snarled, "So, you foolish girl, tell me! Now!"

"Shut up!" Rei snarled at Mistress 9.

"Who are you yelling at?"

"Mistress 9—er—Chibiusa."

"Oh, I see…" Ami sighed, "I get it. So everyone switched?"

"Yeah," Rei said.

"What happened to the others?"

"So far, Usagi's in Michiru, Mamoru is in Hotaru, Mina's in Seiya, and Seiya's in Haruka!"

"Wow…I wonder what could have done all this?" Ami considered, "I guess I'll—"

"I have another call. Sorry, Ami!" Rei fumbled with the phone again, quickly, only to say, nervously, "Hello?"

"Usagi? Just what the hell is going on?!" A girl's voice. Rei recognized this one, with a little chill up her spine.

"Wait, Koan?" Rei stammered, "Who is this?"

"This is Haruka!" Koan, or now as Rei knew it Haruka, snarled, "Do you know what the hell is going on!?"

"Not a clue. I'm actually Rei."

"So your body was switched, too?" Haruka asked, sadly, "I was afraid either I had too many drinks last or something happened to the Silver Crystal."

"No, we have no clue," Rei said.

"Well, the only good thing about switching bodies is that I won't get a hangover from last night. We were having a drink frenzy. Well, just me and Setsuna. Michiru said she didn't like alcohol, and obviously Hotaru can't drink. Who got my body, out of curiousity?"

"Seiya."

Haruka began to laugh, "What?! That's priceless! That idiot gets my hangover! It's great! Ha! Stupid, self important, idiot!"

Rei stared at the phone, holding it out in front of her, still able to hear Haruka laughing at the top of her lungs. She glanced over to Mistress 9, who was also staring at the receiver, her eyes wide, and asked, "Can you hear the conversation well?"

"Perfect, actually," she responded, in shock.

When the laughing died down, Rei placed the phone back up to her ear, and Haruka asked, "Who's body do I have, anyway?"

"Koan was a friend of ours, well, former enemy, and—wait, she had three sisters. Who are they now?

"Well, one's actually Mimet."

"You mean that celebrity obsessed girl who always wore those glasses in her disguises?" Rei asked.

"Yeah, her. She's in that blue haired girl's body."

"Who else?"

"The one with the Bride of Frankenstein haircut is Tin Nyanko, and the other girl is Chibi Chibi."

"Chibi Chibi?"

"Yeah. She's a great conversationalist. So, between her, Catwoman, and Obsessive girl, I've had quite a nice time," Haruka said, sarcastically, "Any idea what the hell happened?"

"None."

"Figures. Alright. If you find Michiru, tell her—"

"Another call! Sorry!" Rei switched calls, now more adept at it, and answered, "Let me guess. You're one of my friends calling saying that your body is now switched with someone else, right?"

"No, I'm calling to say that I was switched into one of your friend's body, Sailor Moon."

"Mako-chan?"

"No, this is Galaxia."

"Oh, that just figures," Rei sighed, shaking her head. By this point, there were no surprises, "So how did you get this number, Galaxia?"

"I checked her phone book, and found Sailor Moon's number. I'm assuming you're someone else, though."

"It's actually Mars."

"I see. Any idea on how this happened?"

"If anyone should know, it's you. You're sorta the head honcho in this entire galaxy."

If Galaxia had no idea what was going on, then what was going on? Who did know just what the hell was happening!?

"Alright, well, I'll try to figure this all out. Don't worry, Mars. What body has Sailor Moon switched with."

"Neptune."

"Ah, the girl who managed to escape my dark power?"

"Yeah, her."

"Oh, that should simplify matters."

"Well…wait, another call! Sorry, Galaxia."

"Go ahead."

"Sure…" Rei stammered, and switched calls, "Hello?"

"You big, stupid, dumb Usagi! What did you do this time!?"

Rei recognized the voice as belonging to a man, a man Rei remembered all too well, "Wait, Dimande?"

"No, this is Chibiusa!"

"Oh, that figures," Rei sighed.

"What's going on?!" she, or was it he, cried.

"This is Rei, and I was switched with your sister."

"Oh, Rei! That changes everything!" Chibiusa said, smiling.

"Oh, how so?"

"Just does. Now I don't have to yell at you," Chibiusa said, sighing, "Who took my body?"

"Mistress 9."

"Yes?" Mistress 9 asked, glancing up.

"Oh, I thought she was dead," Chibiusa said, not too surprised.

"So did I, but…wait, isn't Dimande dead too?" Rei stammered, clearly remembering a breathing-impaired Prince as opposed to a living one.

"Yeah, go figure. So who did stupid Usagi switch with?"

"Michiru."

"Oh! I'll go yell at her, then!" Chibiusa hung up, suddenly, at which the phone suddenly began ringing again.

Rei answered it, and, nervously, asked, "Hello?"

"Sailor Moon?"

"Mamoru?" Rei recognized the voice as Mamoru's. Who had his body, she wondered.

"Oh, hello," Mamoru said, extremely politely, "I apologize for disturbing you so early in the morning."

"Oh, don't mention it." Who the hell was this? Was she one of their friends? A companion? Surely, "I'm actually Rei, you know, Sailor Mars?"

"Oh, hello and good morning to you, too!" Mamoru replied.

"Uh, listen, I know you switched bodies with someone else, so who are you?"

"Oh, I apologize for keeping you in suspense. This is Sailor Aluminum Siren."

"Wait, aren't you dead?" Rei asked, feeling as though she had asked this question a dozen times, which she probably had, by this point.

"Yeah, but it's funny how things work out, huh?"

"So why did you call Usa—I mean, Sailor Moon?"

"Oh, no reason," Siren said, honestly, "I just saw her on the top of Mamoru's list, and thought it would be nice to call her and see how things were going with her."

"Oh…" Why would she want to call her? Last time they met, she had tried to kill Usagi.

"Well, I might as well call everyone else on Mamoru's contacts list. Otherwise they might wonder why they haven't heard from Mamoru," Siren said, with an almost blissful, airheaded aura to her words, "Good-bye."

"Bye," Rei said, nervously, as she hung up on what had to be the strangest phone call she had ever been involved in.

The phone rang again, at which Rei asked herself why the hell everyone thought stupid Usagi had all the answers. She picked up the phone, and snarled, "I'm not Usagi, alright!?"

"Oh, okay," a male voice said into the phone, "Then who is this?"

"Dr. Tomoe?"

"No, this is Hotaru," the deep voice replied, "I'm just in my daddy's body!"

"That sounded so wrong," Rei mumbled, so softly the phone couldn't pick up her voice.

"I can't get out! I'm just stuck in my father's flesh!"

"Going downhill every second…"

"I can even feel his…well, you know!"

"Alright! That's enough!" cried Rei, "I don't need that imagery!"

"Oops. Sorry."

"So, any real reason you called?" Rei asked, trying to force the image of a naked Dr. Tomoe and his older body out of her brain, or, even worse, an image that, if it were written in the pages of this fan fiction, it would get this story flagged, if not removed entirely.

"Not really," Hotaru replied, "I want to call Haruka-papa and Michiru-mama!"

"You can, but Usagi is Michiru and Seiya is Haruka."

"Haruka must like that, especially after getting so drunk that she actually began taking off her clothes and dancing around on her—"

"Alright! Too much information!" cried Rei, now with more disturbing imagery filling her brain. Before Rei could see another disturbing image in her cranium, a new call came in, "Gotta go! Another call!"

"Go ahead, don't let me stop you," Hotaru said, cheerfully.

Rei wondered, after hanging up on Hotaru, whether or not living with Haruka was the best environment for a girl of her age. She answered the phone, and asked, "Who is it this time?"

"This isn't Usagi, is it?" the extremely effeminate male voice asked into the phone.

"Actually it's Rei. Who is this?"

"This is Mako-chan!" the voice said, "But right now, I'm stuck in Zoicite's body!"

Rei cracked up right then and there. It figured that Mako got stuck in a male's body, due to her size, but it figured she got to spend her body switched period in the body of the gayest man they had ever met.

"It sucks! Of all the guys I had to be, I'm Zoicite! Hell, Taiki would have been so much cooler!"

"Life isn't fair, sorry," Rei sighed.

"Jesus! What caused this? And why is Zoicite even alive?"

"You aren't the first one I asked that too. Oh, a new call!"

Rei switched calls as, to her horror, a voice screamed into the receiver, at the top of her lungs, "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!"

After the hearing in her ear returned, she asked, nervously, "Wait, Mina?"

"No, this is Queen Beryl."

"Oh, that just sucks," Rei sighed, no longer surprised anymore.

"You and your silly friends are all now victims to my awesome power!" Beryl laughed with Mina's voice, "Soon, very soon, you will all kneel before me!"

"Uh, yeah, I'm hanging up now."

"Don't you dare hang up on me you disrespectful—"

Rei hanged the phone up, and sighed. Now, for five seconds of peace and quite.

The phone rang again.

Rei answered it.

"Usagi! This is Michiru! I'm stuck inside of Princess Kaguya's body! I'm an icicle, and I'm drifting in space! I don't know how I'm getting a signal, but can you tell Haruka that—"

Rei hung up the phone, her ears almost bleeding from all the nonstop talking. If she had one more idiot that she knew contact her and tell her stuff that she already knew, she was going to explode!

And then she appeared in front of her: the tall figure of Sailor Pluto. Her hair waved in the air as she said, rubbing her eyes, "Oh…my head…"

"Pluto?"

"I apologize…oh, my head…but last night, Haruka made alcoholic beverages, and I couldn't be impolite and refuse…"

"That's okay! Just what's going on!?" Rei stammered, desperate for answers.

"Oh…when I was drunk, I went to check up on the Gates of Time, only to mess something up…"

"So that's why I came back?" Mistress 9 asked, "Because you were drunk?"

"No one else would really want you back," Pluto moaned.

"So nobody loves me?" Mistress 9 asked, her eyes filled with tears.

"Sorry," Pluto said, her voice strained as she clutched her brain, "But don't worry. Everything will go back to normal in a few seconds. Just give it—"

There was a flash of light. The world around her dissolved into nothing as Rei was thrown through the air, through time and space, before reality rematerialized around her. She was standing in her own room, her old furniture around her. She began to laugh. Thank God. Everything was back to normal now. She fell to the ground, sighing in relief. Now, at long last, everything was back to normal. Everything was ordinary.

But then Rei realized something. Out of all the questions, Rei had not been called by someone using her own body? She wondered, for a moment, who could have possibly taken over her body. She glanced around the room, looking for any sign that could indicate the owner of her body. And then, suddenly, she found a slip of paper on her desk. She read it, only for her heart to stop in her chest.

"In all my years of fantasizing, I never dreamed I'd actually have a girl's body for once in my life! Ah! This is bliss! I'm so happy I could die! To the owner of this body, thank you for this time of ecstasy! — Fisheye."

"It figures! I got the biggest fag of them all," Rei cried, falling to he knees.


End file.
